Cognitive Dissonance

"Democracy! Bah! When I hear that I reach for my feather boa!" - Allen Ginsberg

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Prostitution is holy or something. I don’t know. She’s currently in a flame war with my fiancé and I because we were defending rights for gay people. We thought she was nuts, but damn. According to what she’s told us, she’s the messiah, she hates gay people (but lesbians get a pass), and she “thinks differently than the jews.” She defends her bigotry by saying “Whats wrong with racial slurs? I like them! Its a great form of expression.” I seriously think she’s either the best troll in the universe, or legitimately mentally ill.

Meet Misty:

JESUS’ BAD BOOB JOB:  When Misty, a prostitute who thinks she’s the Messiah, came into the studio, Howard commented that it was possible that many of her problems may just be in her head. As Misty said that she was born in Montana, Howard pointed out that she had a nice body and asked if he could see her naked. Although Misty agreed to the request, she revealed a set of fake breasts that Gary described as “the worst” he’d ever seen. After Howard mentioned that it looked like Misty’s chest was filled with “little rubber balls,” she responded that the surgery cost one blowjob. In addition to the implants, Gary also noted that Misty’s tattoos, as well as the nicotine patch on her back, wasn’t cutting it for him either.  Misty, when asked about possible mental disorders, replied that Howard has made his career out of not conforming, so she didn’t understand why he was criticizing her for doing the same thing. However, Howard assured Misty that their histories weren’t the same, before asking her what psychological problems she has had in the past. Misty informed Howard that she has a Messiah complex. Despite her behavior, Howard acknowledged that he could see “why men would want to do her.” 

FROM SAVIOR TO ACCOUNTANT  Howard asked why she had pierced her lip. After Misty explained that she got the lip piercing because of her profession, she added that she’s “bled 850 days for the sins of man” and that she doesn’t pay taxes on the money she earns turning tricks. Misty charges  $200 per encounter. Misty then reported that she made $40,000 last year hooking.

 However, as Misty began talking about the time she repeatedly shot one of her johns with a bb-gun at his request, she changed the subject back to religion. Misty explained that, in her opinion, the Catholic Church was set up for “the fags.”  Before Misty got into more details, though, Howard had her take off her pants. Upon seeing Misty’s entire body, Howard was surprised to learn that she had three kids. Misty told Howard that, while her youngest child resides with her, her parents and ex-boyfriend took her other two kids.

THREE’S NOT A CROWD  Howard wondered if Misty talks as much as she was this morning when she’s with “a client.” Misty admitted that, although she usually “just does the guy,” some johns actually want to hear what she has to say. Misty then started crying when Howard told her that guys don’t want to hear her talk. When Howard explaineded that hearing her talking might be considered annoying, Misty noted that “a six-inch d*ck” annoys her. Misty went on to explain that if she had a husband, she wouldnt have to turn tricks. As Misty was talking, Howard wondered aloud if he’d have sex with her. Artie mentioned that he’d do Misty, but that the encounter would have to be a three-way because a security guard would have to be involved as well.

THE SYBIAN GETS A BREATHER A caller wanted to know if Misty has any super powers, which she said she does. However, before Misty was able to talk about her power – which she claimed is time traveler – Howard wanted to know if she’d be willing to get on the Sybian. Because of Misty’s strange behavior, though, Howard decided that putting her on the Sybian wouldn’t be a good idea.

LESS INK, MORE PINK  After reporting that she’ll do anything with her johns except anal sex, Misty mentioned that she thinks all non-marital sex acts should cost men $200, regardless of the woman. Misty went on to explain that, if this practice was followed, more people would agree to get married in order to avoid paying the $200 charge for intercourse. Misty added that she plans on trying to find some customers while she’s in New York, but that she wasn’t sure how she’s going to go about it. Howard responded that Misty would be able to attract more clients if she didn’t have so many tattoos. Misty responded that she knew Howard didn’t like tattoos, so she wasn’t surprised at his reaction. However, Howard proceeded to showcase his own tattoos for Misty, before pointing out that he just didn’t like how many she had. Howard then told Misty that she seemed nice, but believed that she needed professional help.

HOWARD 100 GOES RELIGIOUS  A caller suggested that Misty get her own show on Howard 100, an idea which Howard admitted intrigued him. Howard then had Misty come back into the studio to propose the program, which she accepted. Howard went on to warn Misty, that, if she did her own program, she wouldn’t be able to yell out the full names of anyone she was angry with the way she had done earlier in the interview. Misty promised Howard she’d have no trouble following that condition.

Tim Sabean entered the studio and told Howard that he could schedule “The Misty Show” for tonight at 7 o’clock, and that he also thought she should sit in for the next installment of “Meet the Shrink,” which will tape on Thursday. Because Misty noted that she planned on returning home on Wednesday, she said she’d contact her daughter’s nanny to see if she can stay an extra day for the show.

Filed under Misty the wonder hooker Wait what? Where do these people come from

  1. cognitivedissonance posted this