Matt Bors hits it out of the park with his new piece, “Hey, Everyone Involved In This Syria Shit Show, You’re Terrible”. An excerpt:
Free Syrian Army — Saw you dudes on the front page of The New York Times last week lining up a bunch of shirtless, whip-marked prisoners for execution. Nice! Bet they were shitheads. Seemed a liiiiiittle sketch though. Had me thinking: You’re not gonna, like, massacre everyone in Damascus once you take it over, right? You’re going to have elections when this is over? Set up some public schools, run for county treasurer?
Because I’m starting to think the leftover weapons we gave you won’t be melted down to build swing sets.
Al Qaeda & Friends — Hi! You’re banning croissants and shit. That’s just trolling.
Y’all just rush your woman-hating asses into every shitstorm to make it worse, don’t you? Places liberated from Assad are supposed to be rolling out Jeffersonian Democracy and here you are setting up Sharia courts and chopping off hands for purse snatching. You get the memo on “international norms”? Because your 12th century assholery makes gassing people look futuristic.
John Kerry — A young man once asked, “”How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?” He was you! So maybe stop asking people to die for yet another war that is bound to be a mistake. Oh, it’s not going to be a big deal, you say, just a couple of explosions here and there. No boots touching no ground. You know which conflict started out like that? THE VIETNAM ONE. Now you’re dragging your droopy face around, casting anyone who opposes this garbage idea as some pro-Iran Jew hater and comparing Assad to Hitler. You think you’re in the comments section of the internet, bro? Because this is not how you make arguments.
Oh, and look, there’s a photo from 2009 of you dining with the New Hitler. Yeah, have a seat, Donald Rumsfeld.
Barack Obama — Remember when you said “red line” out loud a year ago? Fortunately, [it] wasn’t a magic incantation that compels us to go to war. You can actually just not do this. You see Micronesia eager to bomb Syria? You see Chile ready to launch missiles on a country its citizens know nothing about? Okay, the main reason for that is they don’t spend a fuktrillion dollars a year on their military. But the other, closely related cousin of that reason, is they don’t see themselves as the Judge Dredd of Earth with a need to pepper the entire planet with military bases.
We’ve invaded, bombed, and/or occupied dozens of countries in just the last few decades all in the name of increasing our “national security interests.” Haiti, The Philippines, Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan; none of them really turned out super great. America’s done enough wonders for the world, buddy. Let’s sit this one out.
Read the rest here.