Cognitive Dissonance

"Democracy! Bah! When I hear that I reach for my feather boa!" - Allen Ginsberg

Posts tagged Edward Cullen

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An open letter to Twihards

This letter was written by my friend Josh Wood. Read more of his writing here. Enjoy!

Dear Twihards,

I can’t believe that you think the Twilight series are the greatest books all time. I would like to know what the hell you are smoking. It has to be something stronger than Saliva. Not even the combination of Jack Daniels and marijuana could make these books interesting.

Where should I begin? I know. The sparkly vampires. WTF. Vampires don’t sparkle.  Period. Normally they should blow up in the sun like a seagull after eating alkaseltzer or get a bad sun burn. I’m even willing to believe vampires walking around in the daylight with diminished powers (it happened in Dracula).

Next, feeding upon animals doesn’t make vampires vegetarians. I don’t care how you rationalize it. The concept wasn’t created by Stephanie Meyer (or SMeyer), either. Long before Edward came prancing onto the vampire scene there was Louis. Introduced by Anne Rice in 1976 in her debut novel “Interview with the Vampire”, Louis was a vampire that couldn’t bring himself to take a human life in his fledgling years and thus fed on animals. Later on he fed on criminals and those of low morality.

What’s with the whole not sleeping thing? Vampires aren’t alive, but they aren’t dead, either. They’re undead and use blood to sustain themselves. It can be assumed that because of this there are parts of the physiology that need the sustinance of said blood. Therefore it could be further theorized that their brain would need replenished and sleep is the best way to do that.

Those are just technicalities seen by a vampire purist. While the idea of an emo immortal disco ball causes me some distress, there are other things that drive me crazy about “omg, the bestest books ever”. The writing, for example. It’s rudimentary and dull and the times I’ve tried to read “Twilight” I’ve wanted to take a red pen to it.

How about the characters? The heroine, Bella Swan, doesn’t make the best literary character for girls to look up to. She’s just like Juliet Capulet except that Juliet succeeded in killing herself. Bella has no dreams for her future apart from spending eternity with Edward. No college, no period of “let’s see other people”. Nothing. It isn’t unconditional and irrevocable love. It’s obsession.

Edward Cullen is a far worse character than Bella. Women and girls drool over the shimmering bloodsucker wishing they’re boyfriend or husbands acted like him or that they could have a love story like that. Well, I’ve got news for you. If your husband or boyfriend puts you in a 12-hour coma after having sex with you, says he has to fight the urge to kill you, tells you he’s a monster, and/or has to destroy a pillow (a poor, defenseless pillow) to keep from killing you while having sex then you have the perfect Edward/Bella relationship.

We have Team Edward and Team Jacob, but why no Team Bella? We live in an era of strong women. So why give girls a role model that can’t be strong on her own, but instead depends entirely on a man? Bella should tell Edward that it’s actually kind of creepy that he watches her sleep and is really kind of freaky that he both loves her and wants to kill her. She doesn’t, of course.

What, at 18, is Bella so worried about aging? "College was Plan B. I was still hoping for Plan A, but Edward was just so stubborn about leaving me human…" At 18 people shouldn’t be worried about getting old. They should be thinking about college and a future. No reasoning exists as to why an 18-year-old girl doesn’t want a future unless it involves spending eternity with someone 90 years their senior.

What about Bella’s pregnancy? After having sex with Edward, an experience that bruises her and as previously mentioned makes her comatose, she become rapidly pregnant. The vampire-hybrid growing within her womb breaks two of her ribs, shatters her pelvis, and causes her to projectile vomit blood. Giving birth to her child practically kills her and then, and only then, does Edward turn her.

Then there’s Jacob. He constantly pines over Bella, but who could blame him.  After Edward leaves her in a forest under the pretense of keeping her from harm she begins to fall for the boy who turns into a gigantic wolf. As soon as the disco ball returns, however, she dumps Jacob like a bad habit.

By the end of the series wolf boy moves on from Bella. To a lovely young girl by the name of Renesme. There is only one problem. Renesme is Bella’s daughter. Her newborn daughter. Stephanie Meyer tries to make okay by calling it “imprinting”.  It’s basically a prearranged marriage. "Hey Renesme. You remember ‘Uncle Jacob’? Well guess what? When you’re 18 you’re going to marry him. It was decided upon the day of your birth when he couldn’t take his eyes off you. Isn’t that great?"

So, Twihards, what lessons can be learned from the Twilight series? Let’s see:

- a woman can’t be strong on her own, she must have a man.

- thoughts of college are overrated, the best future a woman can have is being married asap.

- at 18 you’re an old maid

- it’s cool for someone to sneak into your room and watch you as you sleep.

- feelings of love and wanting to kill somebody are completely interchangable.

- prearranged marriages are perfectly fine.

- abortions are wrong even if the baby is causing actual physical harm to the mother.

- Necrophilia and beastiality are perfectly normal feelings to have.

What lovely life lessons.


Josh Wood

Filed under Twilight twilight sucks Edward Cullen Edward Edward is a bad boyfriend Jacob Bella bella needs a sassy gay friend Josh Wood An open letter Twihards

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It’s been awhile since I posted some hate for Twilight. I’ll let Michael K of Dlisted sum this one up:

This is Anita, a girl who swears on her Edward Cullen toilet seat that she is the world’s biggest Twihard. Homegirl is so convinced of this that she has entered Moviefone’s Biggest Twilight Fan Contest. My bong is running empty so I haven’t seen any of the other videos, but my vote is going to go to Anita. Here’s the 10 reasons why:

1. Anita is wearing a wedding dress. A wedding dress.
2. Anita made a DIY paper tuxedo for her Jacob cardboard cutout.
3. Anita is obviously a proud graduate of Kristen Stewart’s School of Monotone Delivery.
4. Anita doesn’t care that people think her Twilight addiction counts as a form of insanity.
5. Anita exists solely to worship Twilight.
6. Anita would take a bullet for any member of the cast of Twilight (even that one girl who is bearding for a Jonas).
7. Anita has her undying love for Twilight tattooed on the inside of her heart.
8. Anita has walked into a pool because she was reading a Twilight magazine (????).
9. Anita is wearing a wedding dress. A FUCKING WEDDING DRESS.
10. Anita has crunchy curls.

The last part has nothing to do with anything, I just really like crunchy curls.

This is batshit insane. Period. I have never seen a Harry Potter fan take it this far. 

Filed under Twilight twilight sucks Twilight fans are insane Edward Cullen Edward is a bad boyfriend Fuckery