Cognitive Dissonance

"Democracy! Bah! When I hear that I reach for my feather boa!" - Allen Ginsberg

Posts tagged For fuck's sake

388 notes

To (All) the Colleges That Rejected Me: If only I had a tiger mom or started a fake charity.

Anyone writing an academic paper on white privilege and is looking for a primary source?

Meet Suzy Lee Weiss.

image

Before I start, I dare you to not put your fist through your monitor while reading her opinion editorial Facebook-worthy bitchfest.

She didn’t get into the college of her choice and it’s everyone else’s fault because she took the advice of “be yourself” and it backfired. Here’s a passage chock full o’ cluelessness and racism:

For starters, had I known two years ago what I know now, I would have gladly worn a headdress to school. Show me to any closet, and I would’ve happily come out of it. “Diversity!” I offer about as much diversity as a saltine cracker. If it were up to me, I would’ve been any of the diversities: Navajo, Pacific Islander, anything. Sen. Elizabeth Warren, I salute you and your 1/32 Cherokee heritage.

I also probably should have started a fake charity. Providing veterinary services for homeless people’s pets. Collecting donations for the underprivileged chimpanzees of the Congo. Raising awareness for Chapped-Lips-in-the-Winter Syndrome. Fun-runs, dance-a-thons, bake sales—as long as you’re using someone else’s misfortunes to try to propel yourself into the Ivy League, you’re golden.

Suzy bemoans not having a tiger mom, or two moms, or not hanging out with an African orphan named “Kinto” — as Gawker points out, just a little too close to Kunta Kinte.

And lest you think Suzy is in dire economic straits, here’s a news article profiling her parents’ custom-built, luxury $700,000 home

Basically, nothing is her fault — she can’t help being straight, white, well-off! Y’all should cater to her for it because she’s a hard life. Well, at least life’s been SO HARD since she found out she didn’t get into the college of her choice. 

SHE’S JUST SUPER PISSED YOU GUYS. And since her sister used to be an opinion features editor at the Wall Street Journal, Suzy was able to flood the presses with her righteous white whine.

Filed under Suzy Lee Weiss White privilege College Racism privilege are you fucking kidding me? WHO WILL THINK OF THE WHITE PEOPLE? For fuck's sake get bent

78 notes

I make survey research calls at work. Sometimes, it's hilarious. This is one of those times:

Respondent:
"Why are you calling from Wyoming if this is for the Oregon Department of Health?"
Me:
"We're contracted with them to do the survey over the phone. So, would you be willing to complete the survey with me?"
Respondent:
"Yeah, sure — and I gotta say, your English is way good for being from Wyoming. You've got like, no accent at all."
Me:
"Well, most people here in Wyoming don't..."
Respondent:
"Whoa, weird. I kinda figured everyone would."
Me:
"Why?"
Respondent:
"Well, because you're, like, somewhere in Asia or India right?"
Me:
[Trying not to laugh] "Noooo... we're in the U.S., right above Colorado on the map."
Respondent:
[Surprised] "Wait, really?"
Me:
"Really."
Respondent:
"Okaaaay, wow... sorry about that. *sighs* So... I feel very dumb right now because I'm a sophomore in college and I should probably know that so, uh, let's do the survey or whatever and forget that I'm a huge tool. Okay?"
Me:
[Laughing] "Alright, let's roll then."

Filed under my job is weird wyoming wyoming is a state for fuck's sake

520 notes

Fox "News" Claims that Algebra Classes Are a Conspiracy of Liberal Indoctrination

They’re trolling us now, right? RIGHT?

"But even worse is the way some textbooks are pushing the liberal agenda," Fox News host [Eric Bolling] explained, pointing to an algebra worksheet that Scholastic says gives students "[i]nsight into the distributive property as it applies to multiplication."

"Distribute the wealth!" Bolling exclaimed, reading the worksheet. "Distribute the wealth with the lovely rich girl with a big ole bag of money, handing some money out." Co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle explained that the algebra worksheet had put her on "high alert" for the liberal agenda in her 6-year-old son’s curriculum.

DISTRIBUTING THE WEALTH? Oh, it’s just a math lesson though… taught by leftist indoctrination centers!

image

For the record, here’s the worksheet. So if it were apples and a first grade class, would it then be teaching them to rely on handouts for food like FOOD STAMPS OMG instead of pulling themselves up by their bootstraps? 

Here’s a Fox News math lesson:

Teacher: “If I have three apples, and I give Jimmy one apple, how many do I have left?”
Eric Bolling: “Why doesn’t Jimmy have his own apples? Why can’t he be responsible for himself?”
Kimberly Guilfoyle: “YEAH! He should bring his own!”
Teacher: “It’s just an example, folks. He uh, didn’t have one because his parents were out. Now let’s continue with —”
Dana Perino: "— Why don’t they have apples? Because they spent all their welfare on DRUGS and now JIMMMY expects a HANDOUT?!"
Teacher: ”*sigh* Class dismissed…”
Greg Gutfield: “Oh, now you’re starting a leftist ‘class war’ and saying we shouldn’t have class? MARXIST!”

Yep, that’s exactly how it would go.

Filed under math fox news Really? Politics I can't algebra liberal indoctrination for fuck's sake Eric Bolling education Fox Dana Perino

54 notes

See this comic book cover? It’s the first issue with Batman villain Bane. It’s from 1993. No big deal, right?
Wrong. If you’re El Rushbo, and your ratings have dipped, IT’S A GODDAMN CONSPIRACY FACTORY! Seriously. Here’s what Rush Limbaugh had to say:

Have you heard this new movie, the Batman movie, what is it, The Dark Knight Lights Up or whatever the name is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises. Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bain?


Or maybe so. This one is just as ridiculous as the bithers. Maybe even more so — so now, super-villain evil genius time-traveler Kenyan Muslim usurper Barack Obama is now a comic book author and illustrator? All this about a guy the right-wing bitches is completely ineffective and can’t get anything done. Let me just say, for someone who can’t accomplish anything, Obama’s accomplished a lot. Gawker breaks it down:

Obviously, Limbaugh deserves to be commended for his groundbreaking work uncovering how in 1993, Obama convinced comic writer Chuck Dixon to create a super-villain named Bane, knowing that two decades later he would be locked in a close presidential election campaign with the obscure son of a moderate Republican governor, at the time making gobs of money in Boston.

Obviously. And I guarantee, there’s at least one dude swearing at work that the new Batman movie is Obama propaganda. 
Is Rush even trying any longer?

See this comic book cover? It’s the first issue with Batman villain Bane. It’s from 1993. No big deal, right?

Wrong. If you’re El Rushbo, and your ratings have dipped, IT’S A GODDAMN CONSPIRACY FACTORY! Seriously. Here’s what Rush Limbaugh had to say:

Have you heard this new movie, the Batman movie, what is it, The Dark Knight Lights Up or whatever the name is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises. Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bain?

Or maybe so. This one is just as ridiculous as the bithers. Maybe even more so — so now, super-villain evil genius time-traveler Kenyan Muslim usurper Barack Obama is now a comic book author and illustrator? All this about a guy the right-wing bitches is completely ineffective and can’t get anything done. Let me just say, for someone who can’t accomplish anything, Obama’s accomplished a lot. Gawker breaks it down:

Obviously, Limbaugh deserves to be commended for his groundbreaking work uncovering how in 1993, Obama convinced comic writer Chuck Dixon to create a super-villain named Bane, knowing that two decades later he would be locked in a close presidential election campaign with the obscure son of a moderate Republican governor, at the time making gobs of money in Boston.

Obviously. And I guarantee, there’s at least one dude swearing at work that the new Batman movie is Obama propaganda. 

Is Rush even trying any longer?

Filed under The Dark Knight Rises Batman Bane Bain politics lulz Rush Limbaugh El Rushbo seriously I can't Barack Obama Obama Election 2012 For fuck's sake Vengeance of Bane Conservative conservative weirdness comics

39 notes

Rick Santorum Fanfic Exists

For the love of all things holy and unholy, I hope I love Rick Santorum is trolling. 

Please be trolling.

Seriously… and the fanfic is pretty puritanical. If you’re going to write Santorum fanfic, make it goddamned raunchy. 

And don’t submit it here. Submit it there. You have a challenge, readers. 

Will you accept it?

(Source: cognitivedissonance)

Filed under Rick Santorum Politics GOP Fanfic seriously Conservative for fuck's sake this proves god does not exist um no just plain wrong wow Santorum Republican

72 notes

Santorum Cites Racist Author To Defend His Views On ‘The Dangers Of Contraception’

In not-shocking news:

Santourm’s decision to rely on Charles Murray is no less distressing. Murray co-authored The Bell Curve, which argues that black people score lower on IQ tests because they are genetically inferior to whites. To reach this conclusion, Murray relied on studies backed by the Pioneer Fund, whose original mission was to pursue “race betterment” for people “deemed to be descended predominantly from white persons who settled in the original thirteen states prior to the adoption of the Constitution.”

Murray’s latest book, Coming Apart: The State of White America, 1960-2010, is a similarly rigorous work of scholarship.

Let me remind you, Rick Santorum — previously an also-ran afterthought in the GOP nomination race — is now the front-runner for the GOP nod.

I don’t care for Obama, but damn GOP — it’s like you want him re-elected. 

Wait…

If they get Obama re-elected, they don’t have to try to unbreak shit. They can keep blocking everything and blame Obama for doing nothing.

I see what you did there, GOP. Run the birth control-hating, slightly racist stooge, lose, bitch about everything. Bravo.

That is your plan, right?

Filed under Rick Santorum politics racism GOP republican republicans seriously? Charles Murray The Bell Curve For fuck's sake

95 notes

cognitivedissonance:

From the “It’s not The Onion” files:

Yes, that’s right, the “new and improved” Susan G. Komen for the Cure now has partnered with the manufacturers of Smith and Wesson, the largest manufacturer of handguns in the U.S., to produce the Walther P-22 Hope Edition handgun in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Breast cancer is a terrible thing. It kills an estimated 41,000 people (yes, a small fraction of its victims are men) annually. Gun violence in America kills 10,000 people a year. What better partnership could there be?
Oh, and by the way, the pink Walther P-22 “Hope Edition” (Hope… Really, as in, “I hope I kill you?” Seriously?) can be yours for the low price of $429.99. Get them while they last.

The New Civil Rights Movement has more here. 
Their next partnership should be with the N.R.A. because it could lend itself to all kinds of slogans. How about “Susan G. Komen and the N.R.A. - Arming women to shoot cancer IN THE FREAKIN’ FACE!”
So maybe that’s a little long. But you get the idea.
The “hope” edition handgun… I can’t even…


The plot thickens. Susan G. Komen is now claiming the partnership never existed, yet employees of the retailer claim the guns have been sold for quite awhile and are a popular product.
With Komen’s reputation for truthfulness lately, it’s plausible the partnership existed in some way, and now it’s damage control time. From CBS:

Employees at three of DGS’ 10 locations said they sold the pink gun. An employee at the Bothell, Washington, store said the guns are “popular” and said he took an order “not too long ago” and that DGS had been selling them for at least two years.
Another employee at a Bellview, Washington, gun store said the store had been taking orders “sporadically.” He also said they had been selling the guns since he started working that store a couple of years ago.
The $400 million charity is famous for its marketing prowess and partnerships. The organization has successfully convinced the entire NFL to accent their uniforms with pink during October, breast cancer awareness month. It is difficult to turn around without seeing a pink ribbon on a cereal box or on a car bumper.

cognitivedissonance:

From the “It’s not The Onion” files:

Yes, that’s right, the “new and improved” Susan G. Komen for the Cure now has partnered with the manufacturers of Smith and Wesson, the largest manufacturer of handguns in the U.S., to produce the Walther P-22 Hope Edition handgun in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Breast cancer is a terrible thing. It kills an estimated 41,000 people (yes, a small fraction of its victims are men) annually. Gun violence in America kills 10,000 people a year. What better partnership could there be?

Oh, and by the way, the pink Walther P-22 “Hope Edition” (Hope… Really, as in, “I hope I kill you?” Seriously?) can be yours for the low price of $429.99. Get them while they last.

The New Civil Rights Movement has more here

Their next partnership should be with the N.R.A. because it could lend itself to all kinds of slogans. How about “Susan G. Komen and the N.R.A. - Arming women to shoot cancer IN THE FREAKIN’ FACE!”

So maybe that’s a little long. But you get the idea.

The “hope” edition handgun… I can’t even…

The plot thickens. Susan G. Komen is now claiming the partnership never existed, yet employees of the retailer claim the guns have been sold for quite awhile and are a popular product.

With Komen’s reputation for truthfulness lately, it’s plausible the partnership existed in some way, and now it’s damage control time. From CBS:

Employees at three of DGS’ 10 locations said they sold the pink gun. An employee at the Bothell, Washington, store said the guns are “popular” and said he took an order “not too long ago” and that DGS had been selling them for at least two years.

Another employee at a Bellview, Washington, gun store said the store had been taking orders “sporadically.” He also said they had been selling the guns since he started working that store a couple of years ago.

The $400 million charity is famous for its marketing prowess and partnerships. The organization has successfully convinced the entire NFL to accent their uniforms with pink during October, breast cancer awareness month. It is difficult to turn around without seeing a pink ribbon on a cereal box or on a car bumper.

Filed under Susan G. Komen gun politics Second Amendment Seriously Really? Pink everything Facepalm for fuck's sake

95 notes

From the “It’s not The Onion" files:

Yes, that’s right, the “new and improved” Susan G. Komen for the Cure now has partnered with the manufacturers of Smith and Wesson, the largest manufacturer of handguns in the U.S., to produce the Walther P-22 Hope Edition handgun in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Breast cancer is a terrible thing. It kills an estimated 41,000 people (yes, a small fraction of its victims are men) annually. Gun violence in America kills 10,000 people a year. What better partnership could there be?
Oh, and by the way, the pink Walther P-22 “Hope Edition” (Hope… Really, as in, “I hope I kill you?” Seriously?) can be yours for the low price of $429.99. Get them while they last.

The New Civil Rights Movement has more here. 
Their next partnership should be with the N.R.A. because it could lend itself to all kinds of slogans. How about “Susan G. Komen and the N.R.A. - Arming women to shoot cancer IN THE FREAKIN’ FACE!”
So maybe that’s a little long. But you get the idea.
The “hope” edition handgun… I can’t even…

From the “It’s not The Onion" files:

Yes, that’s right, the “new and improved” Susan G. Komen for the Cure now has partnered with the manufacturers of Smith and Wesson, the largest manufacturer of handguns in the U.S., to produce the Walther P-22 Hope Edition handgun in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Breast cancer is a terrible thing. It kills an estimated 41,000 people (yes, a small fraction of its victims are men) annually. Gun violence in America kills 10,000 people a year. What better partnership could there be?

Oh, and by the way, the pink Walther P-22 “Hope Edition” (Hope… Really, as in, “I hope I kill you?” Seriously?) can be yours for the low price of $429.99. Get them while they last.

The New Civil Rights Movement has more here

Their next partnership should be with the N.R.A. because it could lend itself to all kinds of slogans. How about “Susan G. Komen and the N.R.A. - Arming women to shoot cancer IN THE FREAKIN’ FACE!”

So maybe that’s a little long. But you get the idea.

The “hope” edition handgun… I can’t even…

Filed under Susan G. Komen gun politics Second Amendment Seriously Really? Pink everything Facepalm for fuck's sake

1,187 notes

Hundreds of fans camped out at a movie theater in LA awaiting the premiere of the Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn: Part 1
It’s a good thing they’re not protesting anything and just awaiting sparkly vampires! Otherwise, they might be subject to tear gas for creating a health and safety hazard. Some of them have been there for almost a week now! With tents and everything! We know what a big threat tents are to democracy!
I’d like to point out the juxtaposition of the headline on the ticker about Zuccotti Park. 
So, iPhones and movie camping = ok. Protesting the system = not ok.
What the hell, America? 

Hundreds of fans camped out at a movie theater in LA awaiting the premiere of the Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn: Part 1

It’s a good thing they’re not protesting anything and just awaiting sparkly vampires! Otherwise, they might be subject to tear gas for creating a health and safety hazard. Some of them have been there for almost a week now! With tents and everything! We know what a big threat tents are to democracy!

I’d like to point out the juxtaposition of the headline on the ticker about Zuccotti Park. 

So, iPhones and movie camping = ok. Protesting the system = not ok.

What the hell, America? 

Filed under Twilight OWS Occupy Wall Street WTF Police politics protest inequality injustice Seriously? Breaking Dawn: Part 1 For fuck's sake

50 notes

Traders From Chicago Board Of Trade Dump McDonald’s Applications On Occupy Chicago Protesters

Ah, yes. The Chicago Board of Trade keeps it classy. Remember this? They posted the “We are the 1%” sign in their windows to mock Occupy Chicago. The sad truth is that they’re probably not in the 1%.

The truly asshole move is not the dumping of applications themselves. It’s that McDonald’s most recent hiring day resulted in 938,000 applicants being turned away from even part-time employment at McDonald’s. Plus, the traders appear to have violated state law in regards to the Illinois Litter Control Act.

It’s cool, though. Because these hippies just need to get a job, amirite?! There’s one job opening for every 4-5 people looking, but you just need to TRY HARDER! LULZ! </sarcasm>

Filed under Chicago Board of Trade Occupy Chicago Politics inequality protest economy McDonald's For fuck's sake Asshattery 1% 99% Occupy Wall Street OWS Occupy Everywhere

85 notes

Goddammit. I knew I should have watched tonight&#8217;s GOP teabate debate.
See this Tweet? It&#8217;s from exactly one month ago. 
Michele Bachmann took me up on my suggestion and put it out there tonight. Seriously. Here it is on Real Clear Politics: "The Devil Is In The Details" Of Cain&#8217;s 9-9-9 Plan

Michele Bachmann says if you turn Herman Cain&#8217;s &#8220;9-9-9&#8221; plan upside down it becomes 6-6-6. &#8220;I think the devil is in the details,&#8221; she said at the GOP debate hosted by Bloomberg and Washington Post.


So I was being sarcastic&#8230; but you owe me, Michele. There&#8217;s a reason I tagged it #NewConspiracyTheory.

Goddammit. I knew I should have watched tonight’s GOP teabate debate.

See this Tweet? It’s from exactly one month ago. 

Michele Bachmann took me up on my suggestion and put it out there tonight. Seriously. Here it is on Real Clear Politics"The Devil Is In The Details" Of Cain’s 9-9-9 Plan

Michele Bachmann says if you turn Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” plan upside down it becomes 6-6-6. “I think the devil is in the details,” she said at the GOP debate hosted by Bloomberg and Washington Post.

So I was being sarcastic… but you owe me, Michele. There’s a reason I tagged it #NewConspiracyTheory.

Filed under Michele Bachmann GOP GOP Debate teabate I wasn't serious sarcasm conspiracy theory Herman Cain Conservative conservatives 999 666 For fuck's sake Bachmann Bloomberg Debate Economic Debate economy politics