Posts tagged Lulz
Posts tagged Lulz
You guys. I think former Sen. Scott Brown, R-Mass. is drunk-tweeting.
The look on Rocco’s face demanded it.
I regret nothing.
(at Somewhere in space)
Recently, Public Policy Polling sought to discover just how low the public’s opinion of Congress had fallen, testing the popularity of the U.S. Congress against twenty-six different, typically unpopular things. We all know that the American people have a less-than-favorable opinion of Congress (9% favorable and 85% unfavorable), but damn. The results weren’t pretty.
Here’s the outcome of PPP’s survey, in a handy illustrated form, from most to least popular thing:
When presented with a choice between Congress or Brussels sprouts, respondents gave a higher favorable rating to Brussels sprouts (69%) versus Congress (23%).
Survey takers had a higher opinion of lice (69%) than Congress (19%).
Respondents held colonoscopies in higher regard (58%) than Congress (31%).
Used car salesman beat out Congress 57% to 32%.
Respondents had a higher opinion of actual traffic jams (56%) versus the metaphorical traffic jam of Congress (34%).
The NFL’s much-maligned replacement refs did better than Congress by a rate of 56% to 29%.
Root canals were chosen over Congress 56% to 32%.
The perceived snub launching “freedom fries” must be forgiven — 46% of people held a higher opinion of France, while Congress received a favorable rating of 37%.
Cockroaches have a remarkable ability to adapt to a changing environment. Perhaps this helps explain why they edge out Congress 45% to 43%.
It was nearly a tie between the Donald and Congress for a higher opinion rating. But Trump edged out Congress 44% to 42%.
Respondents held a higher favorable opinion of Genghis Khan (41%) versus Congress (37%).
Carnies fared better than Congress in PPP’s popularity poll — 39% to 31%.
I know, right? But PPP assures us that 39% of people hold a higher opinion of Nickelback than Congress. Respondents held Congress in higher esteem than the Canadian scourge at a rate of 32%.
Political Pundits were favored over Congress 37% to 34%.
But all is not lost. Here’s the choices with a lower favorability than Congress:
As PPP explains:
Congress did manage to beat out telemarketers (45-35), John Edwards (45-29), the Kardashians (49-36), lobbyists (48-30), North Korea (61-26), the ebola virus (53-25), Lindsay Lohan (45-41), Fidel Castro (54-32), playground bullies (43-38), meth labs (60- 21), communism (57-23), and gonorrhea (53-28).
Job well done, 112th Congress.
113th Congress, you’ve got some big shoes to fill.
First off, this is not The Onion. Seriously.
Basically, a year ago today, the White House denied Obama was teleported to Mars. AND WE’VE HEARD NOTHING SINCE! So where’s the proof he didn’t? Hmmmm? Isn’t it weird that he has no proof he didn’t?
But what else do you expect from the LAMESTREAM MEDIA? C’mon birthers, he’s about to be inaugurated again. Get on it.
Drawn by David Mamet for tabletmag.com in 2010. As someone with many Jewish friends and readers, this seems accurate.
Cafepress.com is offering 100% off if the world ends on 12/21/2012.
The disclaimer: “World ending events that trigger this offer include only Extinction Level Events (‘ELE’) that wipe out all life on Earth and the Earth itself. In other words, the third rock from the sun must cease to exist in order for this offer to apply. If you somehow manage to survive an ELE and the destruction of the Earth, this offer is actually only good for a discount off select merchandise, excluding shipping charges, gift wrap charges, and applicable sales tax.”
There’s always a catch. No free shipping? But I survived the MOTHERFUCKIN’ APOCALYPSE!
This might be one of the greatest comments posted on the internet in the history of ever. It’s at least in the top ten. I present Jezebel commenter Ari Schwartz: The Dark Lord of Snark summarizing the future from the post "Fox News Troll Returns With a Breathtaking Sequel to the War on Men" — Hint: the troll is anti-feminist Suzanne Venker, darling of the Men’s Rights movement and niece of Phyllis Schlafly. I discussed Venker in depth here already. Anyhow, here’s Ari:
Diary of a Mansoldier, the Great War on Men
I was told once that women are nurturers. That they were the “fairer” sex. Little did us men know that it was all a ruse. A ruse by the Women’s Operations Militia Army and Navy. The forces of WOMAN close in on us beleaguered men by the day. Soon, men will have nowhere to turn but the dark corners of reddit and 4chan.
First they demanded entrance to the universities, to the jobs. We capitulated, unaware that it was just the first salvo in our demise. What could they possibly do with college educations and decent jobs? Besides, they’d all just leave to make children anyway, right? And yet, all those WOMANs were just setting the stage for their war.
Then they got a wonder pill that gave them agency over pregnancy. But we didn’t see the signs. We just thought it was all fun and games. It was so obvious. But for a WOMAN, it was just a way to gain further control.
Then they came for equal wages. But we were told that it was just fair to be paid equally. Raised on a steady diet of “fairness,” we thought that the forces of WOMAN were just demanding what we had.
Then they demanded to be part of the government, and the military. It was so impossibly obvious that they wanted the keys to everything. But what could we do? At that point, we still had enough control left that there wasn’t much to fear. Sure, they had started to earn more than many of us, and sure, they were graduating college more than we were, but it was okay. We were still men, right?
Then it all came crashing down. 2157, the forces of WOMAN came forth, bringing with them decrees of fairness and equal treatment under the law. Men quickly found that being on the same level as a WOMAN caused irreparable damage to their previously unknown macho gland. The macho glands literally shrank away, and men were left changed. Those who did not undergo regular treatments of Tucker Max therapy became known as “pleasant human beings.”
Those of us who are left have migrated to a colony in Texas. There, we practice the manly arts: farting loudly at dinner, wolf whistling at anything with tits, talking about our favorite episode of Family Guy, and calling WOMANs “bitches” for no reason.
Not many of us are left. The war has taken many of us. Some men have even joined the WOMANs in their heartless and cruel crusade for equality and same treatment. Every day our kind grows fewer in number. Every day we grow weaker, less interested in talking about the sizes of our “guns.”
The war on men is won. Now we shall all live as equals. This is a sad day for men indeed. I weep for the future of bros everywhere.
Ari Schwartz, this is for you:
So this happened awhile ago…
And then I was all like “LOL! YOU GUISE! You’re gonna hate it here!”
Hey, Heritage started following me over a year ago! I think it took that long for me to reblog their insufferable “memes.”
God, I should pay more attention.
I see what you did there, Bill Nye.
Former U.S. Sen. Alan Simpson, (R-Wyo.) on Grover Norquist’s “no-tax” pledge he wrote when he was a twelve-year-old volunteer for Richard Nixon.
This isn’t the first time Simpson has slammed Norquist. In May 2012, he said: “For heaven’s sake, you have Grover Norquist wandering the earth in his white robes saying that if you raise taxes one penny, he’ll defeat you. He can’t murder you. He can’t burn your house. The only thing he can do to you, as an elected official, is defeat you for reelection. And if that means more to you than your country when we need patriots to come out in a situation when we’re in extremity, you shouldn’t even be in Congress.”
Norquist’s response? To paraphrase, Alan Simpson is a senile old drunk who hurt my feelers.
Just a note to the GOP: When I was twelve, I thought a lot of weird shit should be real. I’ve never made it a policy suggestion — much less a pledge/litmus test — for elected leaders. Why? Because adulthood.
Time to grow up or drown with Grover.
"Lady Gaga spies intruders on property while up at night naked, eating Thanksgiving leftovers" — in other words, she’s just like us.
Journo protip: Don’t put the story in the headline. You can do this, and still not bury the lede. I promise.
And this is a big reason why spawning children seems wholly undesirable. Also, why my friends with kids are hilarious and not hidden from my newsfeed.
Discussing parenthood on Facebook: You’re doing it right.
So I’m pretty sure you’re gonna hate everything I tweet.
Well, maybe not the cat pictures.
But everything else…yeah. You’re gonna hate it.