Cognitive Dissonance

"Democracy! Bah! When I hear that I reach for my feather boa!" - Allen Ginsberg

Posts tagged Mormons

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Matt Bors kills me…
I can’t help but think of the “Probably” South Park episode from Season Four:

Hell Director: Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? [taps the mic a few times] Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay. [the crowd quiets down] Uh, I’m the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about —
Man: Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn’t be here. I wa a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!
Hell Director: Yes, well I’m afraid you were wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah’s Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man: Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
Hell Director: I’m afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
Crowd: [disappointed] Awww.

Matt Bors kills me…

I can’t help but think of the “Probably” South Park episode from Season Four:

Hell Director: Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? [taps the mic a few times] Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay. [the crowd quiets down] Uh, I’m the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about —

Man: Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn’t be here. I wa a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!

Hell Director: Yes, well I’m afraid you were wrong.

Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah’s Witness.

Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.

Man: Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?

Hell Director: I’m afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.

Crowd: [disappointed] Awww.

Filed under Matt Bors lulz politics religion Anne Frank Mormons posthumous baptism cartoon political cartoon I can't

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Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

The pious calm of this peaceful Mormon enclave on the Great Salt Lake was shattered Monday, when, in what local church authorities are calling an “extremely disturbing” incident, 16-year-old Enoch Zachariah Young had his inhibitions severely lowered by the ingestion of three Benadryl®-brand allergy-relief tablets.

"You hear about things like this happening in non-LDS communities, but I never thought it could happen to one of God’s true elect, to one of our own," Ruth Mary Young, the boy’s mother, told reporters from the Mormon News Network cable channel. "The poor boy’s allergies act up so bad during these hot desert summers here in the Chosen Land, and I guess he let temptation get the better of him."

"May Jesus Christ, and his prophet on Earth, Joseph Smith, have mercy on his immortal soul," added Young before collapsing in tears.

If he finds the Robitussin, it’s all over.

Filed under mormons mormon lulz The Onion Satire

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BREAKING: Utah GOP Trying To Strip Contracts Between Gay Couples

State Representative LaVar Christensen (R, HD48) has reintroduced a bill he tried to run in 2006 which prohibits same sex couples from making contractual arrangements such as wills and financial arrangements. Get calling!

LaVar Christensen, the man who introduced and passed Utah’s Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage, has reintroduced an old enemy of the LGBT community. The bill, known in 2006 as HB 304 but now as HB 182, slides in under the generic title “Voiding Transactions Against Public Policy.” The bill’s language is virtually word-for word from the narrowly-defeated measure from 2006 and if passed will strip even more rights away from the same sex couples who desperately depend on contractual arrangements as Utah denies them any of the inherent protections afforded to any other couple.

RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE

Filed under GLBTQ GLBTQ Rights bigotry bigot wtf? Utah mormons fuckery