Cognitive Dissonance

"Democracy! Bah! When I hear that I reach for my feather boa!" - Allen Ginsberg

Posts tagged The Onion

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Increasing Number Of Men Pressured To Accept Realistic Standards Of Female Beauty | The Onion

“Nowadays I can’t even leave the house without seeing an ad featuring properly proportioned women of statistically normal weights,” said San Diego–based civil engineer Spencer DeLane, adding that some of the models’ bodies are “startlingly average.” “Sometimes I don’t even want to go online or turn on the television because I know I’ll see a regular, healthy-looking woman. Don’t these advertisers understand how deeply depressing that is for me?”

“It’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to other men like me,” he continued. “Having to live with society’s expectations that I accept women just the way they are takes an enormous toll.”

Filed under laughing keeps me from screaming the Onion beauty standards media women

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On behalf of The Onion, I offer my personal apology to Quvenzhané Wallis and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for the tweet that was circulated last night during the Oscars. It was crude and offensive—not to mention inconsistent with The Onion’s commitment to parody and satire, however biting.

No person should be subjected to such a senseless, humorless comment masquerading as satire.

The tweet was taken down within an hour of publication. We have instituted new and tighter Twitter procedures to ensure that this kind of mistake does not occur again.

In addition, we are taking immediate steps to discipline those individuals responsible.

Miss Wallis, you are young and talented and deserve better. All of us at The Onion are deeply sorry.

The Onion’s CEO Steve Hanna issuing an apology to Quvenzhané Wallis for last night’s Oscar tweet calling her “kind of a cunt.”

It’s sadly refreshing that they didn’t try to justify it as say, satire that missed the mark or just a joke — as we’ve seen numerous comedians and media outlets do in the past. I say sadly because the sorry-not-sorry apology is more the norm.

Also, they address Wallis in the apology, not just their readership, and recognize that kind of statement is not satirical, it’s just disgusting — not to mention pretty inconsistent with The Onion we all know and love.

Filed under The Onion apology Oscars Quvenzhané Wallis Steve Hanna Twitter

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Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy

Aliens are dicks:

"We were extremely excited to have made contact with this highly advanced form of life, but it quickly became clear they’re pretty big jerks," said NASA scientist Raymond Morrison, referring frequently to a 24-page transcript of the interstellar transmission filled with patronizing language and backhanded compliments. "After telling us they hadn’t exactly been holding their breath waiting for us to figure out how to make contact with our ‘charmingly simplistic devices,’ they informed us they had studied our planet millennia ago but decided it was ‘too hopelessly primitive to be worthwhile.’"

According to NASA, the alien species described Earth’s 78-percent nitrogen atmosphere as a “decent start,” and said mankind had “come a long way in the past century, relatively speaking, considering it took [humans] a full 4 million years to walk upright.”

Actually, never mind. Maybe they’re right - we are quite primitive to each other.

Filed under The Onion Space is awesome lulz news space aliens satire

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literallyunbelievable:
How exactly did you get elected?

A few thoughts. Jezebel writer Erin Gloria Ryan says:

Even if Fleming didn’t know The Onion is satire, he should have known that something was amiss when he actually read the article— if he actually read the article. Among the piece’s claims: Planned Parenthood’s new slogan is “No Life is Sacred,” the megamall style facility had a lazy river ride for patients, and, most improbably and hilarious, that Planned Parenthood somehow in magical abortion fairyland found a money tree that grew them enough money to give them $8 billion (about 8 times their entire annual budget) to spend on one megabortionmall.

Ryan misses one big point. She says if he read the article, it would be obvious satire. I argue that’s a maybe - this article seems to jive with the worst stereotypical vision of Planned Parenthood conservatives can imagine. They portray people seeking abortions as irresponsible, drug-consuming, heartless trollops. This article underscores that stereotype. Why not believe it’s true if it confirms what you believe?

literallyunbelievable:

How exactly did you get elected?

A few thoughts. Jezebel writer Erin Gloria Ryan says:

Even if Fleming didn’t know The Onion is satire, he should have known that something was amiss when he actually read the article— if he actually read the article. Among the piece’s claims: Planned Parenthood’s new slogan is “No Life is Sacred,” the megamall style facility had a lazy river ride for patients, and, most improbably and hilarious, that Planned Parenthood somehow in magical abortion fairyland found a money tree that grew them enough money to give them $8 billion (about 8 times their entire annual budget) to spend on one megabortionmall.

Ryan misses one big point. She says if he read the article, it would be obvious satire. I argue that’s a maybe - this article seems to jive with the worst stereotypical vision of Planned Parenthood conservatives can imagine. They portray people seeking abortions as irresponsible, drug-consuming, heartless trollops. This article underscores that stereotype. Why not believe it’s true if it confirms what you believe?

Filed under Planned Parenthood The Onion Satire John Fleming politics pro-choice anti-choice abortion reproductive rights

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New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable

Calling a GOP victory in the 2012 presidential election antithetical to the party platform, top Republicans revealed a new long-term political strategy Tuesday: reelecting Barack Obama and making his life even more of a living hell than it already is.

"For three years, the Republican Party has coalesced around the single goal of making President Obama’s every waking moment sheer and utter torture," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters. "But we can’t continue to do that if he’s not in office."

"If we are going to make the president a haggard shell of a human being by the time he leaves the White House, we need four more years of never compromising, four more years of miring every piece of legislation in unnecessary procedural muck, four more years of pretending we want to work with the president and then walking away from the table at the last second," McConnell added. "Four more years! Four more years! Obama 2012!"


According to GOP sources, the decision to cede the 2012 election to Obama came after rank-and-file Republicans agreed that grinding the president down to nothing and pushing him to the brink of insanity was far more in line with the Republican Party’s core principles than actually controlling the White House, making laws, or governing the country.

I’m 90% sure this is the actual plan. The GOP’s hatred of Obama is completely irrational - he gives them nearly everything they want.

Filed under Obama Barack Obama The Onion politics satire alert Republican republicans COnservative conservatives 2012 lulz

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With lawmakers still at an impasse over increasing the debt ceiling, a special team of 40 eighth-grade civics teachers was air-dropped into Washington earlier today in a last-ditch effort to teach congressional leaders how the government’s legislative process works. ‘We started them off with the basics, like the difference between a senator and a representative, and then moved on to more complex concepts, like what a resolution is,’ Bozeman, MT social studies teacher Heidi Rossmiller told reporters as all 535 members of Congress copied down the definition of ‘checks and balances’ from a whiteboard in the House chamber. ‘It’s been a bit of an uphill battle, since most of them seemed to have no real sense of how or why a bill is passed, and Sen. [Harry] Reid [D-NV] had to come up to me during a break and ask, ‘Ms. Rossmiller, what happens if Congress can’t reach a compromise?’ But hopefully it will all start to sink in soon.’ At press time, an unruly House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) had noisily stormed out of a lecture on bipartisan cooperation, claiming it was ‘too hard.’
The Onion, "Emergency Team Of 8th-Grade Civics Teachers Dispatched To Washington"

Filed under The Onion lulz civics politics John Boehner Harry Reid Congress Compromise Compromise is not a dirty word

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Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

The pious calm of this peaceful Mormon enclave on the Great Salt Lake was shattered Monday, when, in what local church authorities are calling an “extremely disturbing” incident, 16-year-old Enoch Zachariah Young had his inhibitions severely lowered by the ingestion of three Benadryl®-brand allergy-relief tablets.

"You hear about things like this happening in non-LDS communities, but I never thought it could happen to one of God’s true elect, to one of our own," Ruth Mary Young, the boy’s mother, told reporters from the Mormon News Network cable channel. "The poor boy’s allergies act up so bad during these hot desert summers here in the Chosen Land, and I guess he let temptation get the better of him."

"May Jesus Christ, and his prophet on Earth, Joseph Smith, have mercy on his immortal soul," added Young before collapsing in tears.

If he finds the Robitussin, it’s all over.

Filed under mormons mormon lulz The Onion Satire

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Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex

Note to Sen. John Kyl: This is satire, and not intended to be a factual statement.

Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.

During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation’s heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group’s long-standing mission and values.

"Although we’ve traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion," said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood’s new slogan, "No Life Is Sacred." "And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it’s going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day."

I love The Onion forever.

Filed under satire the onion abortion

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From Mediaite:

Today The New York Times admitted they made the mistake of treating a fake creation from The Onion as something legitimate. Last week the Times printed an article documenting the history of the squeaky-clean teen magazine Tiger Beat, and included a retrospective of past magazine covers. In the collection they also included a parody cover created by The Onion, which featured President Obama.
The correction printed today in the Times: 

And hilarity ensues!

From Mediaite:

Today The New York Times admitted they made the mistake of treating a fake creation from The Onion as something legitimate. Last week the Times printed an article documenting the history of the squeaky-clean teen magazine Tiger Beat, and included a retrospective of past magazine covers. In the collection they also included a parody cover created by The Onion, which featured President Obama.

The correction printed today in the Times:
 

And hilarity ensues!

Filed under The Onion oops politics Obama

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Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act

Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. 

DEAR GOD, THE CHILDREN!

Filed under The onion Same-sex marriage satire GLBTQ

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World’s Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises
NOVEMBER 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•46
ST. MORITZ, SWITZERLAND—One hundred fifty of the world’s most powerful people in the fields of politics, banking, business, and media met this past weekend at an exclusive Swiss resort for the 54th annual invitation-only summit where they show each other their penises.
This year’s meeting was chaired by a committee that included Rupert Murdoch, former U.S. national security adviser Brent Scowcroft, oil heir David H. Koch, and Japanese finance minister Yoshihiko Noda, all of whom presided over the traditional penis-showing ceremony that has for decades been a banner event for the most influential international power brokers.
"I always look forward to this crucial and productive gathering," said industrialist and banker Jacob Wallenberg of the Swedish Wallenbergs, a prominent European family that has wielded significant clout in global financial and political affairs for more than two centuries. "To see the penises of so many like-minded, forward-thinking men and to show them my own penis—this is what keeps the global wheels of industry and ingenuity turning."
"After all, these are inarguably the most important penises of our time," Wallenberg added before unzipping his tuxedo pants and heading back into a scrum of other immensely powerful and wealthy men already gazing contemplatively at one another’s exposed genitalia.
As it does every year, the ceremony followed a strict a system of seniority wherein members first reveal their sex organs to the seated committee and assembled invitees before the floor is opened up for general penis exposition. The honor of the showing of the first penis this year was given to billionaire real estate mogul Leonard Litwin, 95, the oldest member in attendance.

I can totally see this happening. I’m pretty sure it does, actually. 

World’s Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises

NOVEMBER 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•46

ST. MORITZ, SWITZERLAND—One hundred fifty of the world’s most powerful people in the fields of politics, banking, business, and media met this past weekend at an exclusive Swiss resort for the 54th annual invitation-only summit where they show each other their penises.

This year’s meeting was chaired by a committee that included Rupert Murdoch, former U.S. national security adviser Brent Scowcroft, oil heir David H. Koch, and Japanese finance minister Yoshihiko Noda, all of whom presided over the traditional penis-showing ceremony that has for decades been a banner event for the most influential international power brokers.

"I always look forward to this crucial and productive gathering," said industrialist and banker Jacob Wallenberg of the Swedish Wallenbergs, a prominent European family that has wielded significant clout in global financial and political affairs for more than two centuries. "To see the penises of so many like-minded, forward-thinking men and to show them my own penis—this is what keeps the global wheels of industry and ingenuity turning."

"After all, these are inarguably the most important penises of our time," Wallenberg added before unzipping his tuxedo pants and heading back into a scrum of other immensely powerful and wealthy men already gazing contemplatively at one another’s exposed genitalia.

As it does every year, the ceremony followed a strict a system of seniority wherein members first reveal their sex organs to the seated committee and assembled invitees before the floor is opened up for general penis exposition. The honor of the showing of the first penis this year was given to billionaire real estate mogul Leonard Litwin, 95, the oldest member in attendance.

I can totally see this happening. I’m pretty sure it does, actually. 

Filed under The Onion Satire Penis penises Wall St. Wall Street I can believe it