Cognitive Dissonance

"Democracy! Bah! When I hear that I reach for my feather boa!" - Allen Ginsberg

Posts tagged Twilight

25 notes

I’m watching “Titanic” on VHS. And I want to kick my junior high self in the teeth for being obsessed with this movie.

For fun, here’s Lindy West with a similar reaction, and explaining why Rose is so not a slave going back to America in chains.

Oh, and why Titanic is the original Twilight

My husband saw I was watching this and said, “You know the boat sinks, right?”

I rolled my eyes, but I will never forget seeing it in the theater with a woman who said, “Oh my God, can you imagine if that like, actually happened? It would be so sad.” The guy with her mumbled something about Jack and Rose’s doomed match, and she said, “No, no, the whole Titanic thing. Like a bunch of people dying and stuff. That would be way sad.” Her companion convinced her the ship, Titanic, sank and she extrapolated that to Jack and Rose being real people and the movie being a documentary.

I hope she never saw Twilight and then found out Forks, Wash. exists. She might believe in vampires. The Chamber of Commerce even has a glittery Blingee with a photo gallery dedicated to Twilight.

Don’t believe me? Scroll down.

I guess we all liked embarrassing shit in junior high.

(Source: cognitivedissonance)

Filed under Titanic Twilight I can't SAD VIOLIN

1,187 notes

Hundreds of fans camped out at a movie theater in LA awaiting the premiere of the Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn: Part 1
It’s a good thing they’re not protesting anything and just awaiting sparkly vampires! Otherwise, they might be subject to tear gas for creating a health and safety hazard. Some of them have been there for almost a week now! With tents and everything! We know what a big threat tents are to democracy!
I’d like to point out the juxtaposition of the headline on the ticker about Zuccotti Park. 
So, iPhones and movie camping = ok. Protesting the system = not ok.
What the hell, America? 

Hundreds of fans camped out at a movie theater in LA awaiting the premiere of the Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn: Part 1

It’s a good thing they’re not protesting anything and just awaiting sparkly vampires! Otherwise, they might be subject to tear gas for creating a health and safety hazard. Some of them have been there for almost a week now! With tents and everything! We know what a big threat tents are to democracy!

I’d like to point out the juxtaposition of the headline on the ticker about Zuccotti Park. 

So, iPhones and movie camping = ok. Protesting the system = not ok.

What the hell, America? 

Filed under Twilight OWS Occupy Wall Street WTF Police politics protest inequality injustice Seriously? Breaking Dawn: Part 1 For fuck's sake

1 note

Anonymous asked: Do you ever post Harry Potter stuff, cuz I'm kinda obsessed. Love your tumblr, love it more with an HP post.

I’m not a Harry Potter fan really, but I do give it much more credit than Twilight, particularly since the Harry Potter books are well-written, and Stephanie Meyer should be arrested for the murder of a thesaurus. So yes, I will give a Harry Potter post that mocks Twilight as a bonus.

Filed under Harry Potter Twilight Ask box ask box awesomeness

4 notes

Wikileaks Reveals Five More Twilight Films on the Way

LONDON - England - There were gasps and moans at a recent Wikileaks leak session at the offices of the Guardian newspaper, when some startling new information was revealed.

"Apparently there are going to be five more Twilight movies released. As soon as we heard that, some people fainted, another was caught trying to slash their wrists in the bogs with a biro, and three journalists from our special Wikileaks leak room on level three tried to jump out of the windows," the Guardian’s assistant editor, Miles Assley, reported in the Guardian.

Yes, Wikileaks must be stopped.

Filed under The Daily Squib Twilight Twilight Sucks Wikileaks Satire No really It's satire

2,059 notes

melindil:

vehiclesshockme:

funnierinenochian:

demoneyeddean:

And Shepherds we shall beFor thee, my Lord, for thee.Power hath descended forth from Thy handOur feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.So we shall flow a river forth to TheeAnd teeming with souls shall it ever be.In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti

lkjsdhfjklakjshd hahahahahaha.

LOL OMG OMG

YES OH HOLY FUCK.

OMFG! This is everything I have ever dreamed of!

melindil:

vehiclesshockme:

funnierinenochian:

demoneyeddean:

And Shepherds we shall be
For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee

And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti

lkjsdhfjklakjshd hahahahahaha.

LOL OMG OMG

YES OH HOLY FUCK.

OMFG! This is everything I have ever dreamed of!

(via spiral-princess-peach)

Filed under Twilight McManus brothers And shepards we shall be Twilight sucks OMFG

3,710 notes

unicornsareace:

“Throughout Eclipse, we’re presented with some of the most damaging, dangerous, and utterly offensive themes I have ever seen in popular culture. Women need men to be whole people. Marriage is an institution that demands respect, not because it is an act of love, but because it is a necessary transaction to complete the soul. There are distinct roles that men and women must follow or there is something deeply wrong with who they are. Racism. Transphobia. Misogyny. Sexism. Xenophobia. Homophobia. Classism. It’s the worst of the worst. It’s like a buffet of all the terrible things that hurt this world and directly affect those who are oppressed by these institutions, by the minorities who lack the privilege that a rich, white, Mormon author exerts on a daily basis. And, at heart, that’s what a lot of this book felt to me: A person who holds nearly every privilege in the world (no male privilege) rubs this in our faces at every single moment she can. You aren’t a real woman. You aren’t a real man. You aren’t worthy without a nice car. You aren’t worthy unless your skin is white. You aren’t worthy unless you believe in God, in marriage, in traditional gender roles, in the subjugation of the woman to the man, in everything that makes ME a worthy part of this world. Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer. Because on top of all of this wankery and bullshit, you cannot fucking write. If we remove every bit of wank you’ve subjected us to in the 629 pages of Eclipse, you have one of the most poorly written novels ever committed to paper left over. You lack an invigorating vocabulary. You have multiple errors that any amateur editor should have caught. You cannot develop and maintain interesting and consistent characters. You have no idea how to introduce a plot in any of your novels and, even if you were trying to experiment with an alternative narrative technique, you absolutely can’t do that well either.”

Quoted from Mark Reads Twilight.

ALL OF THIS. ALL OF IT. This man is my best friend ever.

(via rabblevolunteer)

Yes. Mark Reads Twilight is a completely genius site.

Why am I posting so much Twilight hate at the moment? Well, I had a discussion with someone yesterday who compared Stephanie Meyer with Shakespeare. Motherfucking Shakespeare.

(via fuckyeahtwilightsucks)

Filed under Stephanie Meyer DIAF Twilight Twilight sucks Fucking hell

93 notes

Twilight: the illusion of choice

recursiverecursion:

Cynical Idealism: Twilight: the illusion of choice.

crystalsavestheday:

It’s funny because Stephanie Meyer has said this about Bella and feminism :she isn’t “a negative example of empowerment”. After all, “The foundation of feminism is this: being able to choose.” Ultimately, says Meyer, what Bella does is up to Bella.

Which is downright laughable. Yes feminism is about choice, but does Bella have that? Not at all. At every turn someone is making decisions for her and that someone is usually a man. Edward is cutting her break cables, watching her sleep, filling out her college applications, and telling her who she can and can’t see.

Does that sound like choice to you? Sure if Bella wants to have a family that’s all well and good, but don’t pretend like she chose that on her own. Edward was always there watching her, telling her what’s best for her and what she really wants. Making her believe that wanting sex was wrong, because as a teenager and a girl you can’t want it because it makes you impure and not worthy.

Hey Stephanie Meyer, how about you put down that pen and pick up a fucking book. 

Love, 

Crystal             

Here is the explanation for why Twilight has nothing to do with feminism. Nothing. DO YOU HEAR ME STEPHANIE MEYER?

Filed under feminism choice Twilight twilight sucks Bella bella needs a sassy gay friend Edward Edward is a sociopath

25 notes

An open letter to Twihards

This letter was written by my friend Josh Wood. Read more of his writing here. Enjoy!
************************** 

Dear Twihards,

I can’t believe that you think the Twilight series are the greatest books all time. I would like to know what the hell you are smoking. It has to be something stronger than Saliva. Not even the combination of Jack Daniels and marijuana could make these books interesting.

Where should I begin? I know. The sparkly vampires. WTF. Vampires don’t sparkle.  Period. Normally they should blow up in the sun like a seagull after eating alkaseltzer or get a bad sun burn. I’m even willing to believe vampires walking around in the daylight with diminished powers (it happened in Dracula).

Next, feeding upon animals doesn’t make vampires vegetarians. I don’t care how you rationalize it. The concept wasn’t created by Stephanie Meyer (or SMeyer), either. Long before Edward came prancing onto the vampire scene there was Louis. Introduced by Anne Rice in 1976 in her debut novel “Interview with the Vampire”, Louis was a vampire that couldn’t bring himself to take a human life in his fledgling years and thus fed on animals. Later on he fed on criminals and those of low morality.

What’s with the whole not sleeping thing? Vampires aren’t alive, but they aren’t dead, either. They’re undead and use blood to sustain themselves. It can be assumed that because of this there are parts of the physiology that need the sustinance of said blood. Therefore it could be further theorized that their brain would need replenished and sleep is the best way to do that.

Those are just technicalities seen by a vampire purist. While the idea of an emo immortal disco ball causes me some distress, there are other things that drive me crazy about “omg, the bestest books ever”. The writing, for example. It’s rudimentary and dull and the times I’ve tried to read “Twilight” I’ve wanted to take a red pen to it.

How about the characters? The heroine, Bella Swan, doesn’t make the best literary character for girls to look up to. She’s just like Juliet Capulet except that Juliet succeeded in killing herself. Bella has no dreams for her future apart from spending eternity with Edward. No college, no period of “let’s see other people”. Nothing. It isn’t unconditional and irrevocable love. It’s obsession.

Edward Cullen is a far worse character than Bella. Women and girls drool over the shimmering bloodsucker wishing they’re boyfriend or husbands acted like him or that they could have a love story like that. Well, I’ve got news for you. If your husband or boyfriend puts you in a 12-hour coma after having sex with you, says he has to fight the urge to kill you, tells you he’s a monster, and/or has to destroy a pillow (a poor, defenseless pillow) to keep from killing you while having sex then you have the perfect Edward/Bella relationship.

We have Team Edward and Team Jacob, but why no Team Bella? We live in an era of strong women. So why give girls a role model that can’t be strong on her own, but instead depends entirely on a man? Bella should tell Edward that it’s actually kind of creepy that he watches her sleep and is really kind of freaky that he both loves her and wants to kill her. She doesn’t, of course.

What, at 18, is Bella so worried about aging? "College was Plan B. I was still hoping for Plan A, but Edward was just so stubborn about leaving me human…" At 18 people shouldn’t be worried about getting old. They should be thinking about college and a future. No reasoning exists as to why an 18-year-old girl doesn’t want a future unless it involves spending eternity with someone 90 years their senior.

What about Bella’s pregnancy? After having sex with Edward, an experience that bruises her and as previously mentioned makes her comatose, she become rapidly pregnant. The vampire-hybrid growing within her womb breaks two of her ribs, shatters her pelvis, and causes her to projectile vomit blood. Giving birth to her child practically kills her and then, and only then, does Edward turn her.

Then there’s Jacob. He constantly pines over Bella, but who could blame him.  After Edward leaves her in a forest under the pretense of keeping her from harm she begins to fall for the boy who turns into a gigantic wolf. As soon as the disco ball returns, however, she dumps Jacob like a bad habit.

By the end of the series wolf boy moves on from Bella. To a lovely young girl by the name of Renesme. There is only one problem. Renesme is Bella’s daughter. Her newborn daughter. Stephanie Meyer tries to make okay by calling it “imprinting”.  It’s basically a prearranged marriage. "Hey Renesme. You remember ‘Uncle Jacob’? Well guess what? When you’re 18 you’re going to marry him. It was decided upon the day of your birth when he couldn’t take his eyes off you. Isn’t that great?"

So, Twihards, what lessons can be learned from the Twilight series? Let’s see:

- a woman can’t be strong on her own, she must have a man.

- thoughts of college are overrated, the best future a woman can have is being married asap.

- at 18 you’re an old maid

- it’s cool for someone to sneak into your room and watch you as you sleep.

- feelings of love and wanting to kill somebody are completely interchangable.

- prearranged marriages are perfectly fine.

- abortions are wrong even if the baby is causing actual physical harm to the mother.

- Necrophilia and beastiality are perfectly normal feelings to have.

What lovely life lessons.

Sincerely,

Josh Wood

Filed under Twilight twilight sucks Edward Cullen Edward Edward is a bad boyfriend Jacob Bella bella needs a sassy gay friend Josh Wood An open letter Twihards