An old lady recognizes her boob-doodle on the news and goes to visit Bill Paxton on his rock and roll treasure boat, where they make her watch a graphic CGI reenactment of the Titanic sinking (I believe the working title is Hey Granny, Fuck Your PTSD). Then she tells her story. Which is hella not pertinent to treasure-hunting, unless by “treasure” you mean “three hours of nonsense, garbage, terror, death, and delightful Italian stereotypes.”
Turns out, that old lady used to be Kate Winslet, and one time she rode a big boat named Titanic. But she wasn’t too happy about it! “It was the ship of dreams to everyone else,” she says. “To me it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains.” Yes. Because imprisonment, rape, and unpaid forced labor are just like having to marry Billy Zane and live in a fur-lined bon-bon palace for-literally-ever…
After dinner, Leonardo says, “Time for me to go row with the other slaves!” Again with the slave thing. YOU GUYS ARE HELLA NOT SLAVES. PLEASE READ A BOOK.
This is the best review of Titanic that will ever be written. Not only for the excerpt above, but for lines like these:
"Here’s the thing about Titanic, and the reason 15-year-old girls love it so much: James Cameron is a 15-year-old girl. All of the characters are either 15-year-old girls in disguise (‘Parents just don’t understand!’ ‘Waaah, make the boat go faster!’ ‘I know we literally met 20 minutes ago, but I love you with a suicidal fervor!’), or the kind of goofy caricatures that 15-year-old girls would write if we let 15-year-old girls write our blockbuster screenplays. It’s She’s All That on a Boat, only with Kate Winslet as Freddie Prinze Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio as that girl who isn’t famous anymore, and also everyone freezes to death in the north Atlantic at the end.
"In an act of defiance, Kate Winslet sneaks downstairs to party with the simple folk. And look who’s down there dancing a jig! ‘Aaaaaaaay! It’s-a me, Fabrizio!’ Fabrizio treats everybody to all-you-can-eat breadsticks and then invents the mafia."
"Finally, even though she knew Bill Paxton was searching for the necklace, and he hella patiently listened to her stupid story (it’s like she writes erotic fan fiction about herself), that old lady just goes and drops it into the ocean at the end!!! Like, seriously, old lady? First of all, you’re a dick."
"Then, to wrap things up, there’s a dream sequence where the ghosts of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio walk down the Titanic’s grand staircase and everyone on earth applauds for no reason. You know who are the only people that think the world owes them a round of applause? Fifteen-year-old girls and billionaire directors who own submarines. I rest my case.”