Cognitive Dissonance

"Democracy! Bah! When I hear that I reach for my feather boa!" - Allen Ginsberg

Posts tagged satire

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How much damage can a 6 year-old possibly do? An analysis of the cost of raising a child like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes
A good friend of mine just posted the above article from Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science Journal. Part serious and part satire, PNIS (get it?) was created to use humor to illustrate how science permeates everyday life and isn’t just an exclusive, highfalutin world. Also, it mocks the idea that one must be affiliated with an academic institution to do worthwhile scientific research, and skewers the overpopulation of academic journals that increasingly do little more than pad CVs. Here’s an excerpt:According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, raising a child from start to age 17 costs, for those in the middle-income groups, anywhere from $226,800 to $264,600 total. These costs include housing, food, transportation, clothing, health care, education, and other miscellaneous items (such as entertainment, personal care, and reading materials.) Missing from this estimate is an explicit approximation of the amount of damage that children can cause (here, damage refers to that of the break-a-window physical kind, not that of the mommy-and-daddy-need-a-therapist emotional kind). Such an estimate would increase the accuracy of the USDA’s estimate and the budgets of new parents, depending on how destructive they project their child to be.Unfortunately, there seems to be no estimate on the physical damage that the average child causes in one year. In fact, such a dataset does not currently exist, unless some vindictive parent has carefully documented and blogged their child’s every destructive event. While this kind of information is likely not available for actual children, fake (i.e. fictional) children have their lives, by definition, carefully documented. Thus, we may be able to look to any number of fictional children to obtain some estimate on the amount of physical damage they can cause.Read PNIS’ explanation here.

How much damage can a 6 year-old possibly do? An analysis of the cost of raising a child like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes

A good friend of mine just posted the above article from Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science Journal. Part serious and part satire, PNIS (get it?) was created to use humor to illustrate how science permeates everyday life and isn’t just an exclusive, highfalutin world. Also, it mocks the idea that one must be affiliated with an academic institution to do worthwhile scientific research, and skewers the overpopulation of academic journals that increasingly do little more than pad CVs. Here’s an excerpt:

According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, raising a child from start to age 17 costs, for those in the middle-income groups, anywhere from $226,800 to $264,600 total. These costs include housing, food, transportation, clothing, health care, education, and other miscellaneous items (such as entertainment, personal care, and reading materials.) Missing from this estimate is an explicit approximation of the amount of damage that children can cause (here, damage refers to that of the break-a-window physical kind, not that of the mommy-and-daddy-need-a-therapist emotional kind). Such an estimate would increase the accuracy of the USDA’s estimate and the budgets of new parents, depending on how destructive they project their child to be.

Unfortunately, there seems to be no estimate on the physical damage that the average child causes in one year. In fact, such a dataset does not currently exist, unless some vindictive parent has carefully documented and blogged their child’s every destructive event. While this kind of information is likely not available for actual children, fake (i.e. fictional) children have their lives, by definition, carefully documented. Thus, we may be able to look to any number of fictional children to obtain some estimate on the amount of physical damage they can cause.

Read PNIS’ explanation here.

Filed under science pnis Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science satire Calvin and Hobbes academia

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Feminist snark from 1915, courtesy of Roqayah Chamseddine on Twitter. Anna Breslaw of Jezebel writes:

FYI: [Alice] Duer Miller was a poet, writer and Barnard College alum whose name appears in the first-ever issue of the New Yorker as an advisory editor. I haven’t even put pants on today.

Alice Duer Miller wrote biting poems about a “woman’s place” in the early 1900s. A collection of her poems, titled Are Women People?, is available for free on the Project Gutenberg website. They’re just as relevant today as they were nearly a century ago. Let that sink in for a moment. I’ll post three here:

The Revolt of Mother
(“Every true woman feels — ”—Speech of almost any Congressman.)


I am old-fashioned, and I think it rightThat man should know, by Nature’s laws eternal,The proper way to rule, to earn, to fight,And exercise those functions called paternal;But even I a little bit rebelAt finding that he knows my job as well.
At least he’s always ready to expound it,Especially in legislative hall,The joys, the cares, the halos that surround it,"How women feel"—he knows that best of all.In fact his thesis is that no one canKnow what is womanly except a man.
I am old-fashioned, and I am contentWhen he explains the world of art and scienceAnd government—to him divinely sent—I drink it in with ladylike compliance.But cannot listen—no, I’m only human—While he instructs me how to be a woman.
— Alice Duer Miller
Feminism


"Mother, what is a Feminist?"
"A Feminist, my daughter,
Is any woman now who cares
To think about her own affairs
As men don’t think she oughter.”
— Alice Duer Miller
Why We Oppose Pockets for Women
1. Because pockets are not a natural right.
2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. If they did they would have them.
3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not used them.
4. Because women are required to carry enough things as it is, without the additional burden of pockets.
5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife as to whose pockets were to be filled.
6. Because it would destroy man’s chivalry toward woman, if he did not have to carry all her things in his pockets.
7. Because men are men, and women are women. We must not fly in the face of nature.
8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes, whiskey flasks, chewing gum and compromising letters. We see no reason to suppose that women would use them more wisely.
— Alice Duer Miller

Feminist snark from 1915, courtesy of Roqayah Chamseddine on Twitter. Anna Breslaw of Jezebel writes:

FYI: [Alice] Duer Miller was a poet, writer and Barnard College alum whose name appears in the first-ever issue of the New Yorker as an advisory editor. I haven’t even put pants on today.

Alice Duer Miller wrote biting poems about a “woman’s place” in the early 1900s. A collection of her poems, titled Are Women People?, is available for free on the Project Gutenberg website. They’re just as relevant today as they were nearly a century ago. Let that sink in for a moment. I’ll post three here:

The Revolt of Mother

(“Every true woman feels — ”—Speech of almost any Congressman.)

I am old-fashioned, and I think it right
That man should know, by Nature’s laws eternal,
The proper way to rule, to earn, to fight,
And exercise those functions called paternal;
But even I a little bit rebel
At finding that he knows my job as well.

At least he’s always ready to expound it,
Especially in legislative hall,
The joys, the cares, the halos that surround it,
"How women feel"—he knows that best of all.
In fact his thesis is that no one can
Know what is womanly except a man.

I am old-fashioned, and I am content
When he explains the world of art and science
And government—to him divinely sent—
I drink it in with ladylike compliance.
But cannot listen—no, I’m only human—
While he instructs me how to be a woman.

— Alice Duer Miller

Feminism

"Mother, what is a Feminist?"

"A Feminist, my daughter,

Is any woman now who cares

To think about her own affairs

As men don’t think she oughter.”

— Alice Duer Miller

Why We Oppose Pockets for Women

1. Because pockets are not a natural right.

2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. If they did they would have them.

3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not used them.

4. Because women are required to carry enough things as it is, without the additional burden of pockets.

5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife as to whose pockets were to be filled.

6. Because it would destroy man’s chivalry toward woman, if he did not have to carry all her things in his pockets.

7. Because men are men, and women are women. We must not fly in the face of nature.

8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes, whiskey flasks, chewing gum and compromising letters. We see no reason to suppose that women would use them more wisely.

— Alice Duer Miller

Filed under Alice Duer Miller Feminism Poetry Politics Satire Women's suffrage voting ebook women's rights equality

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"I’m Dreaming" by the brilliant Randy Newman. It’s a satirical song completely backhanding the racist rhetoric surrounding many of President Obama’s detractors and their objections.

A sampling of the lyrics:

George Washington was a white man
Adams and Jefferson too
Abe Lincoln was a white man, probably
And William McKinley, the whitest of them all
Was shot down by an immigrant in Buffalo
And a star fell out of heaven

I’m dreaming of a white President
Just like the ones we’ve always had
A real live white man
Who knows the score
How to handle money or start a war
Wouldn’t even have to tell me what we were fighting for
He’d be the right man
If he were a…

Suddenly, Mittens.

Bravo, Randy Newman. Download the track for free here.

Filed under Randy Newman Politics satire race racism bigotry GOP I'm dreaming music white white president right-wing

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Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy

Aliens are dicks:

"We were extremely excited to have made contact with this highly advanced form of life, but it quickly became clear they’re pretty big jerks," said NASA scientist Raymond Morrison, referring frequently to a 24-page transcript of the interstellar transmission filled with patronizing language and backhanded compliments. "After telling us they hadn’t exactly been holding their breath waiting for us to figure out how to make contact with our ‘charmingly simplistic devices,’ they informed us they had studied our planet millennia ago but decided it was ‘too hopelessly primitive to be worthwhile.’"

According to NASA, the alien species described Earth’s 78-percent nitrogen atmosphere as a “decent start,” and said mankind had “come a long way in the past century, relatively speaking, considering it took [humans] a full 4 million years to walk upright.”

Actually, never mind. Maybe they’re right - we are quite primitive to each other.

Filed under The Onion Space is awesome lulz news space aliens satire

6,794 notes


literallyunbelievable:
How exactly did you get elected?

A few thoughts. Jezebel writer Erin Gloria Ryan says:

Even if Fleming didn’t know The Onion is satire, he should have known that something was amiss when he actually read the article— if he actually read the article. Among the piece’s claims: Planned Parenthood’s new slogan is “No Life is Sacred,” the megamall style facility had a lazy river ride for patients, and, most improbably and hilarious, that Planned Parenthood somehow in magical abortion fairyland found a money tree that grew them enough money to give them $8 billion (about 8 times their entire annual budget) to spend on one megabortionmall.

Ryan misses one big point. She says if he read the article, it would be obvious satire. I argue that’s a maybe - this article seems to jive with the worst stereotypical vision of Planned Parenthood conservatives can imagine. They portray people seeking abortions as irresponsible, drug-consuming, heartless trollops. This article underscores that stereotype. Why not believe it’s true if it confirms what you believe?

literallyunbelievable:

How exactly did you get elected?

A few thoughts. Jezebel writer Erin Gloria Ryan says:

Even if Fleming didn’t know The Onion is satire, he should have known that something was amiss when he actually read the article— if he actually read the article. Among the piece’s claims: Planned Parenthood’s new slogan is “No Life is Sacred,” the megamall style facility had a lazy river ride for patients, and, most improbably and hilarious, that Planned Parenthood somehow in magical abortion fairyland found a money tree that grew them enough money to give them $8 billion (about 8 times their entire annual budget) to spend on one megabortionmall.

Ryan misses one big point. She says if he read the article, it would be obvious satire. I argue that’s a maybe - this article seems to jive with the worst stereotypical vision of Planned Parenthood conservatives can imagine. They portray people seeking abortions as irresponsible, drug-consuming, heartless trollops. This article underscores that stereotype. Why not believe it’s true if it confirms what you believe?

Filed under Planned Parenthood The Onion Satire John Fleming politics pro-choice anti-choice abortion reproductive rights

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U.S. Can't Afford to Pay to Print More Money

There are serious fears for the U.S economy today after it was revealed that there was not enough money to pay for paper to print more money for the economy.

"We’re asking congress to raise the debt ceiling so we can buy ink and paper to print more dollars so we can then pay for the ink and paper we just printed," Dan Fenster, a U.S. Federal Reserve worker told the Washington Times.

Emailed to me by a conservative with the subject line: “TOLD YOU SO!” I haven’t got the heart to tell him the truth after counting the 102 email addresses he sent this to yesterday.

Filed under The Daily Squib politics Federal Reserve debt ceiling US United States goddammit conservatives satire

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Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

The pious calm of this peaceful Mormon enclave on the Great Salt Lake was shattered Monday, when, in what local church authorities are calling an “extremely disturbing” incident, 16-year-old Enoch Zachariah Young had his inhibitions severely lowered by the ingestion of three Benadryl®-brand allergy-relief tablets.

"You hear about things like this happening in non-LDS communities, but I never thought it could happen to one of God’s true elect, to one of our own," Ruth Mary Young, the boy’s mother, told reporters from the Mormon News Network cable channel. "The poor boy’s allergies act up so bad during these hot desert summers here in the Chosen Land, and I guess he let temptation get the better of him."

"May Jesus Christ, and his prophet on Earth, Joseph Smith, have mercy on his immortal soul," added Young before collapsing in tears.

If he finds the Robitussin, it’s all over.

Filed under mormons mormon lulz The Onion Satire

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Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama AGAIN

Imperial Wizard, Ronald Edwards made a statement today saying: “Our boy done good and we’re endorsing him for a second term.”

White Christian Supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan has endorsed Barack Obama to be the President of the United States of America for a second term, after famously endorsing him in 2008.

Speaking from his Kentucky office in Dawson Springs, the Imperial Wizard explained that they were gunning for the president to win a second term because of his efforts in getting Osama bin Laden and continuing the War of Terror.

This is the only time in Klan history that any member of the KKK has publicly supported an African American candidate for a second term presidency.

Awesome. Not even the KKK hates Obama! Here’s why they endorsed him in 2008:

P.S. The Daily Squib = UK’s Onion, mmkay?

Filed under satire politics

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Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex

Note to Sen. John Kyl: This is satire, and not intended to be a factual statement.

Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.

During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation’s heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group’s long-standing mission and values.

"Although we’ve traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion," said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood’s new slogan, "No Life Is Sacred." "And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it’s going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day."

I love The Onion forever.

Filed under satire the onion abortion

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Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act

Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. 

DEAR GOD, THE CHILDREN!

Filed under The onion Same-sex marriage satire GLBTQ

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Sarah Palin Takes Over From Michael Palin in BBC 'Pole to Pole' Series

"The Pole to Pole series needed a big injection of life, and that’s when we got the idea to dump the old Python, who frankly bores me to tears, and replace him with Sarah Palin. On her first day on the job, she actually shot and wounded the keygrip whilst wearing a low-cut top exposing her wonderful cleavage and caused a controversy by calling a Russian man a ‘drunk commie bastard’," Rupert Weasel, producer for the BBC show revealed.

The Pole to Pole series used to involve Michael Palin travelling across the world where he would delight in the different cultures, traditions and religions encountered in the many countries visited.

The new series, however, will involve Sarah Palin practically invading each “tin-pot” country, telling off the locals for not being Americans, and spitting out the local cuisine onto the floor whilst swearing viciously at the attending locals with her potty mouth. She will insult pretty much everyone and display her complete ignorance about any other culture apart from America.

Oh, Daily Squib… you and The Onion make me fear the future through satire.

Filed under Sarah Palin American Exceptionalism The Daily Squib Satire BBC

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Wikileaks Reveals Five More Twilight Films on the Way

LONDON - England - There were gasps and moans at a recent Wikileaks leak session at the offices of the Guardian newspaper, when some startling new information was revealed.

"Apparently there are going to be five more Twilight movies released. As soon as we heard that, some people fainted, another was caught trying to slash their wrists in the bogs with a biro, and three journalists from our special Wikileaks leak room on level three tried to jump out of the windows," the Guardian’s assistant editor, Miles Assley, reported in the Guardian.

Yes, Wikileaks must be stopped.

Filed under The Daily Squib Twilight Twilight Sucks Wikileaks Satire No really It's satire

7 notes

Ah, slacktivism…one of my friends posted this photo and it’s amazing. On Facebook, everyone is changing their profile pics to a cartoon character for child abuse or childhood memories, based on whose status you read.
I’m all for awareness, but volunteering and donating do more than these sometimes rather unclear campaigns. 
One of my profs wrote on Facebook in regards to these chain “awareness” campaigns: “I saw one yesterday that said if I care about veterans I’d cut and paste something into my status update. So even though I’ve worked in 3 VAs, have published a gazillion papers on vet related stuff and have a free treatment clinic that specializes in PTSD, somehow what REALLY matters is spending 5 seconds cutting and pasting what someone else wrote in my status update. Sheesh.”

Ah, slacktivism…one of my friends posted this photo and it’s amazing. On Facebook, everyone is changing their profile pics to a cartoon character for child abuse or childhood memories, based on whose status you read.

I’m all for awareness, but volunteering and donating do more than these sometimes rather unclear campaigns. 

One of my profs wrote on Facebook in regards to these chain “awareness” campaigns: “I saw one yesterday that said if I care about veterans I’d cut and paste something into my status update. So even though I’ve worked in 3 VAs, have published a gazillion papers on vet related stuff and have a free treatment clinic that specializes in PTSD, somehow what REALLY matters is spending 5 seconds cutting and pasting what someone else wrote in my status update. Sheesh.”

Filed under awareness Facebook Facebook is weird Satire charity