This might be one of the greatest comments posted on the internet in the history of ever. It’s at least in the top ten. I present Jezebel commenter Ari Schwartz: The Dark Lord of Snark summarizing the future from the post “Fox News Troll Returns With a Breathtaking Sequel to the War on Men” — Hint: the troll is anti-feminist Suzanne Venker, darling of the Men’s Rights movement and niece of Phyllis Schlafly. I discussed Venker in depth here already. Anyhow, here’s Ari:

Diary of a Mansoldier, the Great War on Men

I was told once that women are nurturers. That they were the “fairer” sex. Little did us men know that it was all a ruse. A ruse by the Women’s Operations Militia Army and Navy. The forces of WOMAN close in on us beleaguered men by the day. Soon, men will have nowhere to turn but the dark corners of reddit and 4chan.

First they demanded entrance to the universities, to the jobs. We capitulated, unaware that it was just the first salvo in our demise. What could they possibly do with college educations and decent jobs? Besides, they’d all just leave to make children anyway, right? And yet, all those WOMANs were just setting the stage for their war.

Then they got a wonder pill that gave them agency over pregnancy. But we didn’t see the signs. We just thought it was all fun and games. It was so obvious. But for a WOMAN, it was just a way to gain further control.

Then they came for equal wages. But we were told that it was just fair to be paid equally. Raised on a steady diet of “fairness,” we thought that the forces of WOMAN were just demanding what we had.

Then they demanded to be part of the government, and the military. It was so impossibly obvious that they wanted the keys to everything. But what could we do? At that point, we still had enough control left that there wasn’t much to fear. Sure, they had started to earn more than many of us, and sure, they were graduating college more than we were, but it was okay. We were still men, right?

Then it all came crashing down. 2157, the forces of WOMAN came forth, bringing with them decrees of fairness and equal treatment under the law. Men quickly found that being on the same level as a WOMAN caused irreparable damage to their previously unknown macho gland. The macho glands literally shrank away, and men were left changed. Those who did not undergo regular treatments of Tucker Max therapy became known as “pleasant human beings.”

Those of us who are left have migrated to a colony in Texas. There, we practice the manly arts: farting loudly at dinner, wolf whistling at anything with tits, talking about our favorite episode of Family Guy, and calling WOMANs “bitches” for no reason.

Not many of us are left. The war has taken many of us. Some men have even joined the WOMANs in their heartless and cruel crusade for equality and same treatment. Every day our kind grows fewer in number. Every day we grow weaker, less interested in talking about the sizes of our “guns.”

The war on men is won. Now we shall all live as equals. This is a sad day for men indeed. I weep for the future of bros everywhere.

Ari Schwartz, this is for you:

This is why we can’t have nice things.

So maybe I’m being over-dramatic here… though I’m almost sure this is a recruitment video for any anti-American terrorist group.

But really, Kim Kardashian bawling over a $75,000 earring that she lost in the ocean is just too much. Who the hell wears earrings like that to the beach?!

“I don’t want to seem like a spoiled brat crying over a earring…” Well, sorry, you do. I love the person who says “Kim! People are dying!” while she’s whining about her earring. 

I’m almost pissed she found the damn thing. Apparently, it was easy to find because “it’s sparkly and so huge!”